if you still don't know, i spent the most miserable days of my college life in summer 2006. i don't even want to reread my journal. i would hate to remember how small i felt and how miserable they made me feel without even trying. to the point that i wanted to hit the walls so hard that it would fall on them and shatter their skulls into bits and pieces. of course i couldn't do that. i felt too small to even attempt such feat. traumatizing.
i don't think i ever recovered. my self esteem has always been low but after those days, i felt like dust.
the face i wear now is just a mask. the body that you see is an empty jacket, sprayed with starch so that it would stand on its own. i have friends to hold on to whenever i feel like collapsing. i have my family to go home to where i could recharge my spirits. and i have my blog and online friends to cause enough distraction, to keep the tears from falling.
i joined the trip because i wanted to learn. i wanted to grow. i wanted to be like you because i've always admired you. but i made the wrong move.
if there's something in my life that i regret, it's joining the trip. it caused me so much pain that i had to take a break for one whole sem. i got so tired. i had to get out.
at ngayon, nagbalik nako, ganun pa rin. ewan.
if you're thinking that i should be talking to the people involved instead of going all out emo in my blog, i'd tell you, sino ba ako? isa lang akong pipitsuging bata na taga bilang at taga tupi ng damit. walang kapangyarihan. walang boses. talaga? papakinggang nila ako?
anyway, that's ages ago. buried deep in the past. ayoko nang kausapin at ayoko nang pag-usapan kasi ayokong gumagawa ng gulo. ok na naman. nagkaroon na ng compromise. my scars are still visible pero di ko na nararamdaman.
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ayoko nang pag-usapan natin kasi wala na namang mababago. tapos na. gusto ko lang malaman mo, minsan sa buhay mo sinaktan mo ako nang di nalalaman... past is past
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