5 years

i'm trying to gather my thoughts regarding my long term goals, which is totally new to me. i hate planning in a long term scale.

i always plan my days to the very minute details. i have a calendar where i keep track of my appointments. though i love surprises, it stresses me out when surprises ruin my schedule. i would almost instantly die if i lose my calendar. yung mga utang, hindi ko pwedeng mawala -_-'

i have plans for tomorrow, for next week, for the whole of september and a few dates-to-remember until december. beyond that, i'm lost.

the hardest questions for me during a job interview involve my strengths and weaknesses. next hardest question would be "how do you see yourself in 5 years?" my real answer would be, "i still don't know. whatever comes" but the answer they want to hear would of course be anything that would involve you working for their company at a higher than entry level. i try to tell the HR personnel the latter. but i can't lie. laging may pag-aalangan.

ask me about 50 years from now, then i'd say that i can see myself having a family with at least 2 kids, one boy, one girl, hopefully more. i can see myself having a comfortable life. 20 years from now, i would have established my own brand of clothing or at least open a small shop (randolf, hindi ko pa nakakalimutan yung deal natin) how i'd get there is still a blur.

i'm sleepy, but i needed to write this down. i need to remind myself that there are things in store for me, i just need to work hard and find the means to get there. i've been depressed lately (hindi obvious noh? di kasi ako nakakablog ng madalas) because the deadline for the application for the board exams has passed. it was the day i had a job interview scheduled. it was a do or die day. i could go to chem and beg for a copy of my thesis approval sheet and go straight to prc and file for the application, or, i could go to the interview. it was either a sign or a coincidence that there was a storm that day. classes were suspended, i was too lazy to get up and attend my interview. the day ended. i will not be a chemist. gawd... that's almost a hundred formal reports down the drain. saan ko na gagamitin yung lab gown ko? sayang naman... hay... pero wala naman yun sa plano ko in the first place, so bakit ako depressed? kasi nakakalungkot pa rin. tanggapin niyo na lang na nakakalungkot. i barely prepared for it, honestly. i just spent my summer's weekends at the review center. spent money for travel and food and luho. it was still somewhat a waste.

kapag may magtatanong sa akin kung may trabaho na ako, sasabihin ko "nagrereview ako para sa board exams" which is true. a lot of people are expecting me to take the exam on september. hahanapin nila ang pangalan ko sa listahan na lalabas a few months after the exam. hindi nila makikita pangalan ko... iisipin nila na bobo ako at hindi ako pumasa. maaawa sila sa akin kaya hindi nila itatanong sa akin. hindi ko naman inanounce na di nako mageexam eh, so paano nila malalaman? anyway, bahala na sila. hindi ko naman talaga gustong maging chemist. natutuwa lang akong pag-aralan ang chem. ang saya mag-experiment. ang sarap mag-trouble shoot ng lab equiptment. ang sarap suminghot ng toluene at ethyl acetate sa lab. there's a certain high whenever i'm at the laboratory studying. pero eventually nawawala rin yung high. it lasts for a few hours then marereplace ng fatigue. i just can't imagine myself being in that kind of work environment. ang defensive masyado... hahaha. basta, ayoko na ng chem. hindi na ako magboboard exam this year. baka next year na lang. bahala na.

it took me 5 years to finish a bachelor's degree in chemistry. one day to decide my future... grabe, it took me a while before i could process this fact... shit... di nako magiging chemist... bahala na...