tanda

i'm starting to hate everything around me... really... for no reason... maybe because there's no reason to love what i do. because life is a joke. you are born, you grow, make babies, make sure that the babies grow nicely, then you die. you live in order to die. this is where religion plays a big role, to convince people that there is more to dying than having your heart stop permanently. you live for something bigger. this makes you feel better about yourself whenever you feel that you've performed well... faith... that's what it is... that's what i lack... the opposite of faith is fear... not knowing what lies beyond... scares the shit out of me... you have no idea how much i fear growing up... to the point that i almost intentionally fail my subjects to prevent stepping up... i'm so scared of life that sometimes i wish i could live forever in my teens... back when problems were only about assignments, boys and bad hair days. growing up means facing the world. to be a bigger person takes so much guts... i don't have what it takes... i don't want to face adulthood... gah... i'm so immature...